encouragement casualty, part one: you are special

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I'm not copping out, I have made some terrible decisions. I will readily admit that the responsibility for the choices I have made lay squarely on my shoulders. I have made poor decisions and they are my fault alone.

I have made poor decisions and they 

are my fault alone.

That being said, I believe that certain childhood experiences will shape the decisions people make in the future. For instance, if a child has a horrible, close-to-death experience in a swimming pool, it is unlikely that they will grow up to medal in the Summer Olympics. That is unless they are like Batman, and they assume the identity of their fear, so that in allowing that fear to consume them they can conquer it. Justice league aside, I believe that I have had some experiences in my life that have molded the way that I perceived my identity, and those experiences have therefore helped to shape the way I have made decisions.

My experiences, though, are not tragic in nature. Instead, my experiences are positive. At least, they seem positive from the outset. How can childhood encouragement shape one's identity to create in them an inclination for poor choices? This is a good question, and even though my experiences are not necessarily overarching I believe that they may shed some light on why young men (18-24) are prone to avoid commitment, and are terrified of making final decisions.

My experiences, though, are 

not tragic in nature.

I don't know if it is still going on, but when I was a kid I was told that I was special. I was told that I was unique, and I took this idea to heart. I believed it. In fact, I believed it so much that it shaped my future identity. These encouraging words came from everywhere. It was not just one person who said this to me. This message came from teachers at school, commercials on TV, influences at church and church programs, books, the radio, the internet….it was everywhere. Therefore, as I began to get older I continued to believe that I was special, and even though I didn't know it at the time, it was going to be a problem for me. I am sure that there are other people that react to this message in a more positive manner, but in my selfishness I began to feel superior. I took the phrase, "Zac, you are special" to mean "Zac, you are better than _____." I doubt this was the intention of those who told me this, but as I got older I began to believe that I was better than ______. I, of course, would have never said this out loud, and I don't believe that I even thought it consciously, but all one had to do was look at my life and they would begin to see that I thought I was better than others. So a simple phrase used to boost the self-esteem of young kids, turned out to cultivate in me a heart that truly believed in it's superiority.

. . . my identity of superiority began 

to inform my 

decision making process.

Beyond the obvious criticisms of, "this is horrible," and " you shouldn't think of yourself in this way," my identity of superiority began to inform my decision making process. This identity I was developing became the lens through which I saw the world. As I got older I had to begin working, and when the reality of the world did not match my perception of myself I put the world at fault (i.e I blamed the world for my issues). I began to believe that because I am special I must not be the one to blame. In this context, I began to think that it must be the world's fault that my job sucks, therefore I needed to change my job. I believed that it was the world's fault that I didn't like my major, so I suddenly became a geography major when I was a semester from graduating -- prolonging graduation once again. I believed that it was the world's fault that I did not like my free apartment because of some cigarette smoke, so I decided to move to a house I simply couldn't afford. If all of my problems were the world's fault, then I could quit my job before I even had another one lined up. 

. . . I believed that it must have been 

everything and 

everyone else's fault. 

Since I knew that I was special, unique, and NOT the problem, I believed that it must have been everything and everyone else's fault. Therefore, since it was their fault and not mine I didn't have to take responsibility for my actions. And since I never had to take any responsibility for my actions, then I could make as many stupid decision as I wanted without any of the consequences.

This, of course, was only true in my head. My decisions had devastating consequences. I graduated high school in 2005 and I am just now finishing my bachelor's degree. The year we moved to the house we could not afford was the most trying year of mine and Emily's life. We barely got by the year I left my job before I had another one lined up. The consequences of my stupid decisions were very real. The reaction of those actions stick with us today. The consequences of my selfish decisions can weigh on us with a real, tangible and heavy regret. 

You see, I did not have a problem with making decisions. I had a problem with sticking to those decisions. I would make decisions all the time, but when they didn't line up with my special, unique, and superior mindset, then I would just make another decision. I could never make a final decision and follow through with that choice. I felt that since I was the special and unique one, that all of my issues and problems were not my fault. I didn't take the blame for my horrible decision making, and I was able to aptly justify every selfish, childish choice I made.

The reality that existed in my head 

was far different

 than that of actual space and time. 

The reality that existed in my head was far different than that of actual space and time. I thought I was a victim. I thought that I was special. I thought that I was above all of this. I thought I was better, superior, and just in a slump. I thought that I was destined for greatness. I thought that I was going to change the world. I thought that I was the beginning and the end of what the world needed. I thought that I was god.

A very small encouragement early in my life did it's part to solidify the self-centeredness of my heart. I believed that I was special.  I believed that I was better. I believed only in me. This is why I feel I am a casualty of encouragement. 

. . . I know that sin is the problem 

and the need is Jesus.

As I said before, I do not blame the people or the encouragement for my bad choices. In fact, I believe that with the correct Gospel-centered lenses a parent can tell a child that they are special, if they let them know that that uniqueness comes from Jesus alone. I simply wanted to point out how a slight disconnection from reality can begin to create in the heart of a child a pattern of self-centeredness.  I do not believe this is the only factor. I do not believe this is the only cause of the issue, but I do believe that this is a common-thread contributor to a deeper problem. I believe at the core of this issue lies the need to realize that life is not about oneself. At core of this issue, is the need for Jesus. Even though this point is deeply intertwined with my post above, it is another blog post altogether. That being said, I affirm that sin is the problem and the need is Jesus. Ultimately, whether or not I was ever encouraged in this manner, I would still be self-seeking until Jesus changed that in me. Even so, I believe that we can drive our kids and ourselves into deeper self-centeredness with messages like these. That is why I wanted to address how it this kind of encouragement deeply affected me and my life. 

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This is only part one of encouragement casualty! Expect more as I continue the discussion with another phrase that shaped my identity - 'You can do anything you want.'