this is when i run

This is when I run. This is when I drop everything and get out. 

Historically, when it feels like this I give up. I lose commitment. I run away.

When work hours are increasing, when school is at it’s peak, when outside activities are vying for my attention, when I have a long list of “get this done or fail,” then I run. I change majors. I drop the class. I quit my job. I transfer schools. I stop trying.

In the past, I have always ran. That’s why I am 26 and still in college. That is why I work in a low level position making little money, and that is why I am, in most people’s eyes, a child.

I’m at that point again. At the point of difficult busyness where I would normally turn and run away. At this point, many people would say, “Zac, this is the time that will define you as a person,” or “Zac, how you handle this type of a situation will reveal what kind of man you are,” or they might also say “Zac, this is a test to see what you are made of.”


I say no, no that isn’t true.


When I follow through with my commitments to the end for the first time ever, I will not think that I have finally arrived. I will not think that I have made it, and I will not believe that I have finally shown the world what kind of man I am. Everybody knows what kind of man I am. They have seen me reach difficult times, and they know what I will do. They know that I will run. They know that I will not follow through. They know that I will make an exhaustive list of excuses as to why I should no longer continue on this path. These excuses will be enough to convince me that I am right, and that I should quit.

No, when I follow through for the first time ever, and stick with my commitments people will know that it wasn’t because of me.

I hope that they will see how great God is, and what He can do in someone’s life. Everyone knows what I would do because they have seen it time and again, but hopefully this time they will see what God can do. Hopefully, they will see what God’s unmerited intervention in someone’s life looks like. When I finish what I have started, it will not point to the greatness of Zac, it will point to the greatness of the God because God is the one who enabled it.

I’m not saying that if you trust in God he will just give you whatever you want, and make all your dreams come true. But I am saying that God changes hearts, and God changes deepest desires, and that is what he has done in me. The difference is that God has shown me my selfishness, laziness, and lack of commitment. He has shown me my childishness and entitlement, and these are the aspects of myself that had me running from difficulty and commitment.

And now God has changed my heart and given me strength to begin to overcome these nasty parts of myself. I don’t think that I am just growing up. I don’t think that I am just coming around. I think that God has shown me grace, and that it has nothing to do with myself.

How do I know this? I know this because I have always ALWAYS made the same decision. I have always run away from my commitments. But this time I have the strength to commit. I have the strength to follow through, and I have the strength to finish what I have started because God has given it to me. I have always tried to do it on my own, and I have always been able to fail on my own, but since God has involved himself I will be able to finish.

This is the grace of God in my life. When you look at how lazy and uncommitted I have been, you can easily see how much he has done.

i don't believe in God: video

I, Zac, do believe in God. It's just the title of the post. 

I need you to remember these two verses before you watch this video.

And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 22:35-39

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:5-7

God has called us to love our neighbors. God has called us to love like He lays it out in 1 Corinthians 13. God empowers this love.

Let me ask you a few questions.

How could you love someone if you never listened to them? How could you love them if you never got to know them?  How could you love someone if you never tried to understand their point of view? How could you love someone if you never tried to understand what they believe?

It's far too easy for me to cruise through life believing what I believe. But I know a lot of awesome people (people that I am called to love) that simply do not believe the same things that I believe. Sometimes the Christian's response to someone like this is shunning, hatred, and rumor mongering -- not Godly love. I think this is wrong. Jesus called me to love others and share the gospel, not to change people's hearts (that is His gig). Therefore, out of compassion, friendship, and plain curiosity it is important to get to know other people's points of view. It's unloving to ignore, hate, and make statements that are not grounded in reality about anybody -- no matter what they believe.  

I have some friends who do not believe in God, and they have passionate, deeply held beliefs as to why they feel that way. I respect them for believing something and standing up for it. It is far more than I have done in the past. Of course, I would like them to see it my way, but salvation belongs to the Lord. It's simply not our job to force anyone to believe.

This being said, I think it is a good practice to learn what other people believe and why they believe those things. I think that it's wise to educate yourself, but I also think that it's the loving and Christlike thing to do. So check out this video made by Hemant Mehta, and begin to understand why people believe differently than you do.

When it comes down to it I have to ask myself, why would anyone listen to what I believe and why, if I am not also willing to listen to what they believe and why?

Family

                                           

 Emily Fridenmaker is a regular contributor at 'for we have rebelled.'
 You can find her at A Relentless Embracing of Good.


                               

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm from Greenbrier county.

It's located in southern West Virginia. If you aren't also from southern WV, you probably have a few unsavory and [mostly] false things that come to your mind when you hear about my dear, sweet home, such as:

• toothless hillbillies
• ignorant rednecks
• racism
• terrible education
• meth labs (I'm only on Breaking Bad season 4...don't you dare spoil it for me)

Now we have our problems, just like any other place. While we may indeed have our fair share of meth labs, let me tell you about one thing that southern West Virginia does exceptionally well: community.

It's difficult to describe home to you if you aren't from a similar place, but I'm going to try, using my own life as an example. 

Both sets of my grandparents, and their parents, and their parents, and so on have lived in roughly the same place forever. I lived less than 10 minutes away from both sets of grandparents all of my life (until moving for college). My nearest neighbor was my great grandma, and the next nearest after that was my great aunt. My church had around 50 people in it, and almost all of them were related to at least 1 of about 3 families. So many families have known each other for generations. My elementary school teachers remembered teaching my parents when they were in elementary school. People I don't know have seen me out and asked, 'Are you a Treadway?' or said, 'Boy, you sure look like your mom.' I'm not unique in this either...most of the people I know from home have similar stories.

The unique thing about home is that there is a history among us...there are so many things that we all share that are ingrained in us from the time we're born, and other people just don't understand. 

I tell you all this to make one point: we are all for one another.

When Homer had surgery, Mommy went around the road every day to change his bandages.

When my grandparents passed away, there was the biggest collection of rolls, casseroles, brownies, beans, chicken, sandwiches, and salads you'd ever seen.

When a new baby is coming, that mom-to-be likely won't have to buy much because church ladies love to buy blankies and onesies. 

When someone's house burns down, everybody knows which bank has the donation account set up, and they give. Or they know about what size those little girls wear, and they know just where they can pick something up for them.

When Daddy was sick, and when he passed away, there was the greatest outpouring of love and prayers I had experienced in my entire life. People weren't only messaging and texting us, they were bringing food, detergent, paper plates, offering to mow the grass, telling funny stories about him at the wake, stopping by to see how we were, and just generally loving on us.

The people in my community consistently and lovingly rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

Ultimately though, this type of community doesn't have to be preceded by generations of knowing one another.

_______________________________________________________

As Christians (wherever in the world we may be), we have something in common that is much greater than family history, geographical location, or our accents.

We have all been saved, snatched from the brink of death and the depths of sin by the very same Savior. Though we may not realize it, we all share the same story: a history of sin, trumped by an Epic Intervention.

But wait! Not only do we have history in common, we also share a present and a future.

We labor alongside one another in the present, brothers and sisters longing to see the works of our Father widely proclaimed, and hoping to see the lost reconciled.

We look ahead to our future, trusting in His promises and anticipating the city that He builds.

Believers, we have all been adopted into the family of Christ, and are therefore related by blood. God has given us one another to lean on, to help up, to call out, and to work alongside.

There is no greater community than the community that God has called together. May we absolutely wring ourselves out for the good of it.

Romans 12: 9-18

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.

Never be wise in your own sight.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

encouragement casualty, part two: you can be anything you want

Last time I talked about how the phrase, ‘you are special’ may have negatively affected my life. This time I want to talk about how the phrase, ‘you can be anything you want to be’ similarly affected me.

The phrase, "you can be anything 

you want to be' shaped my 

identity growing up. 

The phrase, "you can be anything you want to be" shaped my identity growing up. I took this motto to heart and trusted it as "truth." I allowed this "truth" to dig itself deeply into my heart. In fact, this one phrase has shaped the identity of myself and my peers so deeply that it is unlikely we will ever concede that it is not "truth." I believe that this phrase is a lie from hell, and that it has confused and delayed the pending adulthood of my generation. I know that there is much more to blame for the continued adolescence of my peers, but this ideology has played it's tragic role. It may be true that if you work hard enough you can achieve much, but it is simply a bold-faced, damnable lie to tell everybody they can literally achieve anything and everything they want.

I don’t want to seem like I am overstating myself because I have harshly attacked this common ‘encouraging’ phrase, but I do feel justified in my aggression towards it. I realize that there are many other factors as to why someone exhibits a lack of commitment. But as I have said before, every poor choice I have made is my fault alone. I believe that behind this phrase there exists a mindset, and I believe that this mindset permeates our current cultural climate. I believe that this phrase is just one way that this mindset portrays itself. This mindset is what I’m talking about, and this phrase is just the vehicle in which I rode. I chose this vehicle because it greatly influenced my life, is common to most people, and it is seemingly harmless. What bad could come from telling your kid that they can do anything they want? Is this phrase seriously that big of a deal? I guess at the surface these are valid questions, but once you get to the mindset that this phrase creates then I believe that you will see how dangerous it actually is.

...life is not a buffet of 

choices where you can pick

 anything you want.

First off, most people will probably agree with me when I say that this encouragement does not line up with reality. Everybody on this side of high school, college, or their first job knows that life is not a buffet of choices where you can pick anything you want. I suppose I should have learned this a long time ago, but unfortunately I took it to heart and allowed it to shape my decision making identity. This motto, ever present in the back of my skull, has lurched forward every time something difficult has come along. When something hard happens at work, at school, or in life, then I think, “Well, I can do anything I want. So, I'm going to do something else because this sucks." It seems trivial, but when one makes decisions like this for 16 years straight, then NOTHING gets done. When every option is available, when ALL doors are open, when any avenue is driveable, you sit at the intersection dumbfounded by confusion, laziness, and fear. This motto helped to create a lack of commitment in my heart. I truly believed that I could do anything that I wanted, and therefore I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I was at a stalemate in life always looking for something better and never committing to anything.

The second issue is far more devastating than the first, and it permeates the culture of my generation. The two phrases I have been highlighting, ‘YOU are special,’ and ‘YOU can be anything YOU want’ begin (at a young age) to create in the heart of their hearers a heart of self-centeredness, entitlement, and overwhelming self-idolatry. Another word for mindset is worldview -- how we see the world, and in turn, how we interpret what we see. I believe that the motto, ‘You can be anything you want’ points to a very specific worldview. There are a lot of other phrases out there that contribute to this worldview -- for instance, ‘Pull yourself up by your bootstraps,’ God helps those who help themselves,’ and ‘The only obstacle is yourself.’ The common thread in these common sayings is You, and I believe that this thread is at the core of our worldview. This thread is the center of this post and this thread is the heart of my issues with my childhood encouragement. These phrases contributed to one thing in my life; one incredibly horrific, life-sucking, deeply dangerous thing -- they contributed to me making myself my own god.

...everyone everywhere is 

worshipping all the time. 

I don’t think that you have to be told these things to grow up serving yourself, but I do think that this reinforces a preset disposition to self-idolatry. I firmly believe that everyone everywhere is worshiping all the time. This does not necessarily mean that you are worshipping the God of the Bible, but you are worshipping something -- just look at sports, concerts, and malls. We all spend our time, energy and money on something, and that thing is the object of our worship. For some people it is not self worship, but instead relationship worship (but even these people usually put so much effort into their relationships because they need something for themselves). These people may focus on their families, spouses, or children, but either way they are expending their lives for the sake of something and this is worship. 

With that in mind, I now realize that I grew up with me as the center of my life. I poured out my energy, my focus, my money, my everything for my sake. I was the center of my world. And I believe that these two phrases helped to put me there. In fact, me being the center was celebrated, encouraged, and the norm. I grew up with a generation of kids that were told to think of themselves, look out for themselves, fight for themselves, help themselves, be themselves, stand up for their rights, not to back down, to shoot for the stars, and to be anything that they wanted to be. Some of these things have a time and a place, but when your world revolves around these mindsets, then your world revolves around YOU.

My world revolved around me. Therefore, I made the selfish decisions. I looked out only for myself. I only helped others when it was trendy (and I didn't have to give away any money). I spent my time worrying about how I would have fun, how I could relax, how I might be comfortable, and how I could get away with the smallest amount of work possible. I became selfish, lethargic, apathetic, lazy, uncommitted, and terribly boring because the only subject that filled my mind was me.

I'm afraid that the problem 

is far greater than we are 

willing to admit.

I’m afraid that this is where we all are (and I sometimes still am). I’m afraid that we care for ourselves far too much. I’m afraid that we are so wrapped up in ourselves that we would be nothing but offended by this very notion. I’m afraid that the problem is far greater than we are willing to admit. I’m afraid that we are so caught up in believing that we are special, and I’m afraid that we are so caught up on believing that we can be anything we want to be, that we will never be able to see past the waiter’s poor service and to the fact that he is a human being with a tired soul. I’m afraid that we are so caught up with the idea of, ‘I’m spending money here. This is his job. Why can’t he get it right?,’ that we cannot see that the cashier is a broken and hurt individual. I’m afraid that we are so deeply entitled to our own comfort, security, and pleasure that we would rather talk behind a man’s back, than to ask him how his day is going. I am afraid we actually, truly believe that we are special. And I know for a fact that ‘me’ being the center of the universe is so deeply driven into our culture it will take something much greater than myself to break it loose. 

We could argue all day about whether or not some of us are special. It doesn’t matter. I think that my point has been made. I grew up thinking far too highly of myself, and that worldview has led me down some difficult paths. I now see that we need to believe that we are alive for a far greater reason than ourselves. We are alive for a more beautiful purpose than our entitlement, comfort, security, and pleasure. I believe that we are alive to glorify God. And to glorify God we have knock ourselves down a few pegs. We can no longer be number one. We can’t even be number two. To glorify God we need to serve, love, and help others. This is one of the most practical and loving ways to glorify God. And even if you don’t agree that we should be living for God, then I hope that you can agree that one’s life should be others focused -- that we should think of others before we think of ourselves. In essence, we should think that everyone besides ‘me’ is the special one and we should treat them as such.


Do you agree with these thoughts? Disagree? If so, let’s talk about it in the comments.

Overflow

                                           

 Emily Fridenmaker is a regular contributor at 'for we have rebelled.'
 You can find her at A Relentless Embracing of Good.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

We are not saved by works.

Let me say that again.

WE ARE NOT SAVED BY WORKS.

Jesus’ death on the cross and his capture of a sinner’s heart does that.

However, we as Christians are saved TO works.

When we trust in Jesus, when our present and future hope is in Him and all that He is, we get to experience the mercy that gives us not what we deserve (hell), but a relationship with the Creator that extends into eternity. We get to experience His gifts—gifts that we enjoy freely and that are far better than those a good dad would give to his son. We get to experience his love—His relentless, undeserved, perfect, entirely one-way love.

These are wonderful things and they are not meant to terminate on us.

Mercy, gifts, love, time, money...we get to experience these things with open hands.

None of these things belong to us, we don’t deserve any of them…God gives them to us in order that other people might see HOW GREAT HE IS.

We are stagnant consumers, taking what the church has to offer...

If the extent of our involvement in the working kingdom of Christ is saying a half-hearted prayer for someone and throwing a check in the offering plate twice a month, no one is seeing the tangible outworking of the Gospel in our lives. We are stagnant consumers, taking what the church has to offer but not loving it enough to live and speak the Gospel back into it. This can cripple a church. Because after all, the church is a body and we are a part of it. One does not function optimally or efficiently when part of one’s body is refusing to work. Giving of ourselves strengthens the Body as a community of believers that GENUINELY love and care for our brothers and sisters.

And lest we be deceived that works in the Kingdom are only for ‘others,’ let’s remember that reaching out to help is for us too. Giving of our money, our selves, and our time strengthens our faith and our trust in God—it brings about the realization that He will provide for our needs in all situations. It is vital for us to know in our heads and our hearts that nothing that we can do for ourselves, no amount of possessions or time can satisfy our need for a Savior. If this is true, then why do we cling so tightly to them, ignoring God’s commands and his people?

...it brings about the realization that He will provide for our needs in all situations.

When we are satisfied in Christ and totally experience His goodness, how could that goodness not overflow in our lives, reaching those in our communities?

What I don’t want to happen is for someone to read this and think, “Alright, now I just have to go do all these things and help this person and volunteer here and etc. etc. for Jesus!” The conclusion I hope you as a reader will come to is as we press in to Jesus, as He draws nearer to us, our hearts will begin to be broken by that which breaks his. We will love Him more, and in turn love His people more.

Ultimately, the thought I will leave you with is this: HOW can we possibly be saved and transformed by Jesus and the Gospel and not be motivated to follow his commands and love his people—people who are sinners….exactly like us.

James 2:14-17

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? 

If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?

So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

Coming Soon

I am very excited about the future of my little blog. As you may have noticed, I have been working to improve the overall state of this website, and I am continuing to work to make it better. Even so, this is not the only reason I am excited. I am also excited because I believe that God has given me a specific vision for this website, and I am beginning to see that vision a little more clearly. Not only that, but I am also starting to see it come to fruition. 

But! what I find most exciting about the future of for we have rebelled is the addition of a broader base of opinion. I am extremely excited to announce that I will be adding regular contributors to my blog. I have already talked to a number of people about sharing their thoughts and opinions via this format, and they have enthusiastically jumped on board. I cannot wait to open up the blog to a broader conversation about deeper things.

So, I am improving the website, sharpening my vision, and opening up the floor to more people. For me, this is an exciting step in developing relationships, and starting conversations. In fact, if you would be interested in contributing to the blog, please send me an email at forwehaverebelled@gmail.com, and we can start talking about that possibility.

Thanks for reading,
Zac  

all locked up

I have sorta talked about this before. I think that I am a creative person. I have creative thoughts -- original, imaginative thoughts. These thoughts are amazing in my head, but when I go to communicate them, they fall short of what I am seeing. So, I am a creative person without the skill to share that creativity. It honestly feels a little imprisoning.

The only outlet that helps relieve some of the creative pressure is writing, but I have yet to write in a creative manner. My writing is so formal -- like I am always writing a paper on organizational communication. So even though I do often write (far more than I post), I do not feel like I am able to creatively express myself. Even while writing this, I feel like I am telling my problems to a therapist instead of just communicating in a natural, normal way.

All that being said, when I observe great works of creativity I feel instant inspiration. Thoughts, ideas, and creativity surge through my veins. My imagination builds new worlds and greets new friends. My soul sings songs that have never been heard. My eyes paint a picture that would come awake into life, and my heart beats with a passion that I rarely reveal. All of this creative pressure builds within me, but when I put my hands to work it turns out looking or sounding like a five year old playing ‘hot cross buns’ on the piano. The things that I create inside my mind are stuck there without any chance of escaping. They are caged by my lack of creative talent and skill.

I think that this is a good thing.

The thing that inspires me the most is a great story -- better yet an epic story. A story that has sweeping pans of beautiful, distant, and vibrant landscape. A story that has an unyielding darkness that strikes hopelessness and fear. A story that reveals character, strength, and bravery. I love when a story that intertwines the mystical and the physical. I love a story with deep, meaningful character development that creates in the hearer a real connection. I love when a story is able to take the hearer to the point of disparity and bring in a hopeful savior at the last possible second. Most of us love stories like this. It would seem that these themes are what most great stories are made of -- a people, a darkness that deeply threatens their existence, and a great savior to rescue them no matter the cost.

It is stories like this that cause in me the creative passion that I was referring to. And I believe that if I could release that passion through a creative outlet, then I would not be driven to proclaim it. If I could witness a great story, be inspired, draw a picture, and then forget that story, then I would never again experience what that story has brought me. This is why I think that my lack of creative skill is a good thing.

Since I can’t get over the story, I can keep talking about the story. Since I can’t find an outlet for the passion the story creates, then I can keep telling others about the story. Since the story is an end in itself, I can always find imagination, music, art, and passion in the story that matters most.

video: it's not enough (Dustin Kensrue)

This video is passionate and spot on. I think that Dustin Kensrue captures a truth of the soul -- no matter what we do, it simply is not enough. I think that he echos King Solomon in Ecclesiastes. Solomon literally tried it all. He threw the biggest parties, built the biggest houses, got the most things, and had the most women; he did and had it all. But he realized, just like Kensrue, that every time he shoots a temporary fix into his veins that it is not enough to satisfy the deepest longings -- eternal longings.

Check out this awesome and simple music video that says it far better than I ever could -- It's not enough.

 

encouragement casualty, part one: you are special

________________________________________

I'm not copping out, I have made some terrible decisions. I will readily admit that the responsibility for the choices I have made lay squarely on my shoulders. I have made poor decisions and they are my fault alone.

I have made poor decisions and they 

are my fault alone.

That being said, I believe that certain childhood experiences will shape the decisions people make in the future. For instance, if a child has a horrible, close-to-death experience in a swimming pool, it is unlikely that they will grow up to medal in the Summer Olympics. That is unless they are like Batman, and they assume the identity of their fear, so that in allowing that fear to consume them they can conquer it. Justice league aside, I believe that I have had some experiences in my life that have molded the way that I perceived my identity, and those experiences have therefore helped to shape the way I have made decisions.

My experiences, though, are not tragic in nature. Instead, my experiences are positive. At least, they seem positive from the outset. How can childhood encouragement shape one's identity to create in them an inclination for poor choices? This is a good question, and even though my experiences are not necessarily overarching I believe that they may shed some light on why young men (18-24) are prone to avoid commitment, and are terrified of making final decisions.

My experiences, though, are 

not tragic in nature.

I don't know if it is still going on, but when I was a kid I was told that I was special. I was told that I was unique, and I took this idea to heart. I believed it. In fact, I believed it so much that it shaped my future identity. These encouraging words came from everywhere. It was not just one person who said this to me. This message came from teachers at school, commercials on TV, influences at church and church programs, books, the radio, the internet….it was everywhere. Therefore, as I began to get older I continued to believe that I was special, and even though I didn't know it at the time, it was going to be a problem for me. I am sure that there are other people that react to this message in a more positive manner, but in my selfishness I began to feel superior. I took the phrase, "Zac, you are special" to mean "Zac, you are better than _____." I doubt this was the intention of those who told me this, but as I got older I began to believe that I was better than ______. I, of course, would have never said this out loud, and I don't believe that I even thought it consciously, but all one had to do was look at my life and they would begin to see that I thought I was better than others. So a simple phrase used to boost the self-esteem of young kids, turned out to cultivate in me a heart that truly believed in it's superiority.

. . . my identity of superiority began 

to inform my 

decision making process.

Beyond the obvious criticisms of, "this is horrible," and " you shouldn't think of yourself in this way," my identity of superiority began to inform my decision making process. This identity I was developing became the lens through which I saw the world. As I got older I had to begin working, and when the reality of the world did not match my perception of myself I put the world at fault (i.e I blamed the world for my issues). I began to believe that because I am special I must not be the one to blame. In this context, I began to think that it must be the world's fault that my job sucks, therefore I needed to change my job. I believed that it was the world's fault that I didn't like my major, so I suddenly became a geography major when I was a semester from graduating -- prolonging graduation once again. I believed that it was the world's fault that I did not like my free apartment because of some cigarette smoke, so I decided to move to a house I simply couldn't afford. If all of my problems were the world's fault, then I could quit my job before I even had another one lined up. 

. . . I believed that it must have been 

everything and 

everyone else's fault. 

Since I knew that I was special, unique, and NOT the problem, I believed that it must have been everything and everyone else's fault. Therefore, since it was their fault and not mine I didn't have to take responsibility for my actions. And since I never had to take any responsibility for my actions, then I could make as many stupid decision as I wanted without any of the consequences.

This, of course, was only true in my head. My decisions had devastating consequences. I graduated high school in 2005 and I am just now finishing my bachelor's degree. The year we moved to the house we could not afford was the most trying year of mine and Emily's life. We barely got by the year I left my job before I had another one lined up. The consequences of my stupid decisions were very real. The reaction of those actions stick with us today. The consequences of my selfish decisions can weigh on us with a real, tangible and heavy regret. 

You see, I did not have a problem with making decisions. I had a problem with sticking to those decisions. I would make decisions all the time, but when they didn't line up with my special, unique, and superior mindset, then I would just make another decision. I could never make a final decision and follow through with that choice. I felt that since I was the special and unique one, that all of my issues and problems were not my fault. I didn't take the blame for my horrible decision making, and I was able to aptly justify every selfish, childish choice I made.

The reality that existed in my head 

was far different

 than that of actual space and time. 

The reality that existed in my head was far different than that of actual space and time. I thought I was a victim. I thought that I was special. I thought that I was above all of this. I thought I was better, superior, and just in a slump. I thought that I was destined for greatness. I thought that I was going to change the world. I thought that I was the beginning and the end of what the world needed. I thought that I was god.

A very small encouragement early in my life did it's part to solidify the self-centeredness of my heart. I believed that I was special.  I believed that I was better. I believed only in me. This is why I feel I am a casualty of encouragement. 

. . . I know that sin is the problem 

and the need is Jesus.

As I said before, I do not blame the people or the encouragement for my bad choices. In fact, I believe that with the correct Gospel-centered lenses a parent can tell a child that they are special, if they let them know that that uniqueness comes from Jesus alone. I simply wanted to point out how a slight disconnection from reality can begin to create in the heart of a child a pattern of self-centeredness.  I do not believe this is the only factor. I do not believe this is the only cause of the issue, but I do believe that this is a common-thread contributor to a deeper problem. I believe at the core of this issue lies the need to realize that life is not about oneself. At core of this issue, is the need for Jesus. Even though this point is deeply intertwined with my post above, it is another blog post altogether. That being said, I affirm that sin is the problem and the need is Jesus. Ultimately, whether or not I was ever encouraged in this manner, I would still be self-seeking until Jesus changed that in me. Even so, I believe that we can drive our kids and ourselves into deeper self-centeredness with messages like these. That is why I wanted to address how it this kind of encouragement deeply affected me and my life. 

_______________________________

This is only part one of encouragement casualty! Expect more as I continue the discussion with another phrase that shaped my identity - 'You can do anything you want.'  

WRITING IN PROGRESS (1.2) ....

Here are a few snippets of a blog I am currently working on! The newest is at the bottom. 

. . . My experiences, though, are not tragic in nature. Instead, my experiences are positive. At least, they seem positive from the outset. How can childhood encouragement shape one's identity to create in them an inclination for poor choices? This is a good question, and even though my experiences are not necessarily overarching I believe that they may shed some light on why young men (18-24) are prone to avoid commitment, and are terrified of making final decisions. . . .

. . . The phrase, "you can be anything you want to be" shaped my identity growing up. I took this phrase to heart and trusted it as "truth." I allowed this "truth" to dig itself deeply into my heart and psyche. In fact, this one phase has shaped the identity of myself and my peers so deeply that it is unlikely we will ever concede that it's not "truth." I personally believe that this phrase is a lie from hell, and that it has confused, delayed, and stunted the adulthood of my generation. I know that there is much more to blame for the continued adolescence of my peers, but this ideology has played it's horrific role. I suppose that it may be true that if you work hard enough you can achieve much. But it is simply a bold-faced, hell-bent, damnable lie to tell everybody they can literally achieve anything and everything that they want. . . .  

. . . Another word for mindset is worldview -- how we see the world, and in turn, how we interpret what we see. I believe that the phrase, ‘You can do anything you want’ points to a very specific worldview. I believe that this worldview currently saturates culture, and until very recently was how I viewed the world (however unknowingly). There are a lot of other phrases out there that contribute to this worldview -- for instance, ‘Pull yourself up by your bootstraps,’ God helps those who help themselves,’ and ‘The only obstacle is yourself.’ The common thread in these common sayings is You, and I believe that this thread is at the core of our worldview. This thread is the core of this post and this thread is the core of my issues with my childhood encouragement. These phrases contributed to one thing in my life; one incredibly horrific, life-sucking, deeply dangerous thing  -- they contributed to me making myself my own god. . . .

Observing vs. creating

I want you to see what I see. I wish I could just open your eyes to the truth that I am now beginning to understand. Unfortunately, this is not my office. I cannot make anyone understand. 

I think often of sharing truth. I want to convince you. I want you to see--finally and actually see. I want your eyes to be open to the truth of this world, to the purpose of this world, to reality. You think it is foolishness to claim that there is ultimate reality, to claim that there is ultimate truth. But that is only because your eyes are closed. 

It is not arrogant of me to claim this truth. This is not my truth. I did not decide this truth.  I did not create, pick, find, make, or invent this truth. I have simply seen this truth and I want you to see it as well. It is not arrogant of me to align myself with this truth. This truth has thousands of years of allegiance, backing, and authority. 

My friend, you are the arrogant one. You stand there by yourself and claim, "there is no truth. Truth is whatever I decide it to be. Truth is my own." You stand by yourself, in your own wisdom, and decide what is true. That is arrogance. Thinking that you, alone, are knower of true truth. Thinking that you have found, discovered, or created ultimate truth in your short, tiny lifespan. How conceited of you. How can you claim that I am the arrogant one? When all I am doing is saying, "Look, I now see truth." But you, you are saying, "I have created truth." Which is the more arrogant position, to look upon truth, or to create it out of nothing? Are you not claiming to be god--the maker of truth? Are you not claiming to be the very thing that you say does not exist? 

My friend, I find it far easier to have faith in something that has thousands of years of authority, historical backing, and a deep shared experience amongst millions, than to have faith in an idea that I, alone, have deiced to be truth. 

I only say this because I love you. I am not defending myself, even though it sounds like it. It is fine if you find my position to be arrogant. But I say all of this because I want you to see truth as it has been created by the true Maker of truth, and not truth that has been assembled by the false decider of truth--you. 

Letter to someone important, gush about truth, a picture of my heart, and a brief titlian (made up word meaning of, or related to the title) disclaimer—I know this has no references, backing, or quotes and I realize that it may be riddled with grammatical inaccuracies.

Dear ______,

Hey man, I know I don't talk to you enough. I know that our relationship is far from ideal, and the very fact that I am saying this in the form of a blog and not to your face just goes to show how much of a coward I really am. First off, I love you and care for you. It's hard for me to say that to anyone save Emily, but that just reveals my heart. I wanted to write you and tell you that I think about you often. And to tell you that I am afraid for you—afraid that you are depressed, unfulfilled, and desperate.

First of all, I don’t want your soul. I am not trying to get you "saved." Seriously, I am not trying to change your moral behavior in any way. I don't care if you smoke, drink, or sleep with anybody. That is not what matters. Pointing out your "sin" is only pointing out that you are a human. I don't want you to just drop everything you are doing "wrong," so that you won't go to hell. That isn't the point. I am not trying to save you from hell.

And to be honest, it doesn't even matter if you think hell is real or not right now. It doesn't matter if you think there is no right or wrong right now. It doesn't matter if you think you are happy right now. But I do know for a fact that there is something better, and I just want you to have it. I just want you to experience joy.

Man, I am not talking about a good experience—you already have those. I am not talking about fun and laughter—you already experience that. I am not talking about comfort, security, and God knows I am not talking about happiness. Man, I want you to have joy. Deep joy that last. I want you to experience complete and utter fulfillment, even if life is at its absolute worst. Even when your horrible day takes a turn for the worse, and everything you have built, everything you have created, everything for which you have worked so hard comes crashing to a halt, and all you have left is you and your joy. That is the joy I want you to have, and this is why I am writing to you.

You may not think this joy exist, and I can see why. We have been lied to our whole lives. Everything claims to fulfill. Everything claims to be the one thing that will bring joy. Everything else say's I am the end of your longing, I am the end of your searching, I am purpose. But as we find out every girl, every toy, every job, every class, every TV show, every single thing fails. It last for a while, but it fails. It stops and doesn't work any longer. We begin to realize that we are only searching for more of what we already have, and we begin to realize that it will never fulfill us.

I am sure by now you know where I am going with this. Man, there is only one thing that will bring that joy. There is only one thing that can truly fulfill your longing, searching, and desperation. You can lie to yourself. You can trick yourself. But each time it has to be more intense. We become numb to it man. The same trick doesn't last. It has to be bigger and stronger than the last time. The raves have to be louder, the sex has to be better, you have to get more smashed, you have to get more high, you have to have the better model, you have to have the prettier girlfriend, you have to have better and better and better, but it doesn't last. It can't last. It isn't God.

Do you understand you will drive yourself into the dirt trying to fill the void with something that isn't God? He is the only thing. He is the ONLY thing. Why? because you were created that way. You were made with the need for something eternal and you are trying to fill it with something temporary and it WILL NOT WORK.

Dude, just give it up. Stop searching. Not because I want you to be "good." Not because I want you to be safe. Not because I want you to adhere to some moralistic code. NO! Stop, because I want you to have joy.

Man, let Jesus fill it. Let Jesus fix it. Let Jesus be the purpose. You can lie to yourself all you want, and scream "I have a purpose," but it will fail you. It is only a matter of time.   

I know what you may be thinking at this point, and I understand why. You have experienced religion before. You have seen what Christianity is like—at least that is what you think. Have you actually read the Bible? I mean, have you sat down and read what it actually says?

Man, Christianity isn't anything like what you experienced as a kid. The Bible doesn't say, "do this, do this, and do this to get to heaven." The Bible doesn't say, "follow these rules and Jesus will love you." The Bible doesn't say your behavior is all that matters. In fact, Jesus railed against the people who acted like it did. He hated their sense of self. And I feel like this is the picture you have of Christianity. I bet you picture "good church folk" smiling at you with self-righteousness dripping from their lips. I bet you imagine "Christians" walking by you with a narrowed judgmental glare, and I bet you think of hypocritical, lying, selfish snobs every time you think of Christianity. But if you read the Bible you would quickly realize that those people have never once read anything beyond, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."   

Did you know that Jesus ate with, hung out with, spent all of his time with whores, outcast, and men that sold out to a government that raped and murdered their fellow countrymen (tax collectors)? There isn't even a modern day equivalent to these guys (tax collectors) and Jesus ate with them. Do you realize that much of the Bible was written by murderers, adulterers, and even these "tax collectors?" This wasn't to say that we should go out and kill people, but to show that God saves "sinners." And that is the point man. We are sinners. We are all sinners. If you are a person you are a sinner, and that is what most "Christians" don't get. Sinning is simply replacing God with something that isn't Him, and we do that constantly. And that is why we do not have joy.

We all worship something. We were made to worship. So we worship sports, girls, technology, movies, ourselves, and experiences. We all do it, and it is easily seen if we simply look at where we spend our time and money. It is pretty clear that we are all worshiping something that isn't God, and those things simply are not working. That is why we are depressed, unhappy, entitled, and angry. We are unfulfilled. We are joyless.  

To be brutally honest, I am pleading with you to give up the search. Please just hand it over to God, and worship the only thing that can truly bring joy. I love you man. I want you to have joy, purpose, and true fulfillment—that is only reason I am saying any of this.

Please consider what I have said, and talk to me if you have any questions. I am by no means knowledgeable, but I can find answers. Hopefully we will talk soon.

Zac  

I need to scream it

I don't have an outlet. That is why I do this.

I have an unrelenting passion growing inside my chest, and  I do not know how to communicate it. I am not an artist. I cannot sing, I cannot play an instrument, write well, write poetry, paint, or draw.  I cannot creatively communicate what is happening in me, even though I feel a deep need to. I need to scream it.

I want to share it. I want everybody in the freaking world to know about it. I want everybody to see and fully understand what I am talking about. I haven't been able to do this, and it's been driving me crazy.

I have been given a gift. One that I did not deserve. I didn't go and accept a gift that was offered. I didn't go looking for a gift. I didn't fight my way through a horrific battle to get the reward at the end. I was just given a gift. It is hard and easy to explain.

Even so, I want you to know that it's not only for me, but also for you. Jesus didn't die just for me.

Yeah, that is what this is all about. That is my point. This is what it is all about, all the time. My mind is blown. My mind is changed, but I didn't change it. I didn't transform it. My heart is new. It is regenerated. It is beating. For the first time, I care. I care deeply and passionately about you.

Have you ever seen those videos? Those videos of open heart surgeries. The surgeons are working on this exposed heart, and it isn't responding. You can feel the tension and the fear in the room. The doctors grab these small paddles, and then place them on the heart. They send a strong electrical current through this lifeless heart. They hit it once. Suddenly--a flutter. The current reanimates a dead heart. It brings it to life.

This is what happened to me. My heart was dead--stone cold. I had nothing. One night Jesus reached down, wrapped His hand around my heart and squeezed. I felt life spring in my chest. I felt passion spreading through my veins. Jesus did something that I could not accomplish on my own. Jesus reanimated a dead heart, and brought life back to my soul. He alone did it. I didn't have anything to do with it. I didn't pray a fancy little prayer to make it happen. I wasn't extra good. I didn't go to church. I didn't do anything. I couldn't do anything. I was dead.

But now, I feel more alive than I have ever dreamed of feeling. I feel like shouting and dancing and screaming. I rarely think of anything else. I rarely care about anything else. I just want everybody to know that Jesus can bring life and joy.

I now realize that He didn't come to rob joy and take away everything that I loved, but instead, He just wanted me to know how to live. And now, I live. And now, I want you to know that you can live. Jesus loves you, and He wants you to know...He wants you to know that He is reaching to you as well. You can't run from Him and you will eventually realize that you do not want to. I am so full. I am so excited. I'm freaking pumped.

I'm always falling short

I have been struggling for a week or two on how to communicate what's been going on in my life. It might be easier to say what I know it isn't.

First, I haven't found religion. I know that all of Christianity is viewed as a religion, but when I read the Bible this doesn't line up. Like there is nowhere in the Bible where................................

blah blah blah….For some reason, I can't put it into words right now, but this guy nails it. It's "poetry," but nonetheless he says exactly what I am thinking. Eventually I'll be able to formulate it into a sentence, but not right now.

Here just watch it, sorry for the fauxblog. (just ignore the political comment at the beginning if it is bothersome...its gets much better) 

why my childhood religion didn't save me

This is a burden on my heart. It weighs greatly in my chest and in my throat. It needs to come out or it will tear me.

I am sorry for the drama, but I feel truly and heavily burdened.

Do you understand what I am saying? If this is not said, then it will break me. It will finish me. My only desire is to make it known. I need others to hear it, to see it, and to understand it. It is great within me. It is beautiful, shining, bright and colorful. Everything else in comparison is grey and slow. Nothing else matters. It is all. This message is the most important. It is all important. It is all.

When I was a child I was told  I was going to Hell. I was told that if I did not say a prayer and believe that Jesus was resurrected from the dead then I was going to Hell. This captured my soul and imprisoned it. I was held captive by the fear of eternal punishment, and it controlled me for years. Even as a young child, the fear of Hell restricted and confined me.

I was then taught about sin. I was taught (at least all I remember being taught) the first part of Romans 6:23, "The wages of sin is death." So sin became my fixation. I feared sin because sin caused death, and death was Hell.  

Then  I was told that I must have "devotions," reading the Bible and praying. If I did not have devotions it was a sin, and I would not be close to God. Not having devotions was a sin, I feared sin, and therefore I feared not reading my Bible and praying.

I would read my Bible every day, but I did not learn. I would read out of fear because not reading was sin. I would "pray." My prayer was constructed (it was the same everyday), and it was full of fear. I was afraid if I didn't say everything just right that I would be sinning, and that sin would result in Hell. So if I messed up I would do it again and again until I finished the prayer correctly. If I didn't say, "in Jesus name I pray, Amen," just right, then I would have to repeat and repeat until I got it right. I was driven by fear because I had to do everything right or else I would go to Hell.

My fear of sin was much greater than this. I had such a deep fear that I was going to Hell, that I was afraid that I would accidentally sin. I was so afraid that I would think something and that thought would finish me. Something so evil that Jesus would reject me, and that I would be going straight to eternal damnation. It was utterly all-consuming.

My life, my religion, my salvation, and my eternal soul revolved around my fear of Hell.

It was all I knew.

If I sin, I go to Hell.

I cannot emphasize enough how much these thoughts, fears, and actions controlled my life. How they plagued my thoughts, and captured my heart. I was truly enslaved by them, and that is the only fitting definition.

Once I was no longer a child, I was able to stop fixating on Hell. I am not sure what it was (beyond the grace of God), but I no longer feared that my thoughts would send me there.

Even so, I still lived my life in the same manner. I thought that my actions had to be perfect. I would say with my mouth that it is not actions that saved you, but I would live my life like it was. I felt obligated to keep every law that was in place. These laws, some being Biblical, were all placed in front of me by the Church.

Growing up, my church experience was legalistic. One must follow a moral set of guidelines. They would admit that this would not save you, but this is all that was taught. The church, its leaders, and myself spoke mostly of sin, and how to escape it. They emphasized the importance of staying sexually pure, not drinking alcohol, staying away from drugs, not cussing, not gambling, not watching "R" rated movies, listening to only Christian music, going to church, reading your Bible, praying. We fixated on the importance of rule and regulation, but claimed they had no ability to save. Even so, I sat up the rules and regulations as my God. They were the source of my religion and our salvation, even if I claimed otherwise.

I am saying that all I cared about was DOING things correctly. Doing what I thought was right according to the Bible, and that my purpose on earth was to control myself and beat myself into a moralistic code that would indeed please God, and ensure my place in heaven. I had no freedom, I had no joy. I had rules, and I was no better than the Pharisees that Jesus condemned for their utter avoidance of the truth.

This sounds harsh. I am not saying that this is all that was taught by my church. I believe that our church did speak truth, but this is all I remember. It may be solely my fault for not hearing other things, but I cannot say for sure that much else was taught--simply because  I do not remember it.

Whether my church taught truth or not does not matter for my story because as I have said, I did not hear any. I would say things that were truth from the Bible, but I would not live like it. Even as I grew older, I would (figuratively) beat myself into submission. I would not allow myself to sin or go outside of the moralistic guidelines laid down by my church and it's leaders.  I would, as I did  when I was a child, fixate on my sin, and feel shame and emptiness.

I would pray and ask God for deliverance from my sin, but it would not come. I would apologize, stress, journal, read, hope, memorize, control every aspect of my life so that I may overcome this sin, so that I could CONTROL my own religion, so that I could CONTROL my own fate and destiny, so that I could CONTROL and ensure my entrance into heaven. So that by my actions I may seal my fate and forever relieve myself from my utter fear of eternal damnation. 

Then, I gave up. I stopped caring. I stopped fighting. I stopped controlling. I decided that I would just stop, and try to "figure out" my relationship with God.

It is funny because I was going to figure out God. I was going to "find what I believe." I was going to start over again. 

This lasted a very long time--from 2005 until very recently--the end of 2012. I was spiritually dead. I wouldn't admit it, and I had not realized it until just now, but I was empty. For some reason, maybe because they were so deeply ingrained in me, I kept to my moral code. This gave me the sense that I was saved. I thought that since I felt the need to not drink and cuss, that I must still be a Christian, but I was dead. The truth being, I did not know God, and I certainly didn't have a relationship with God. In fact,  I would go so far to say that I did not care about God. My life surely exemplified this truth.

From 2005 until recently, I began down a path that would only lead to me. I began to only care for myself. I began to plan my life around me, and how I would be best taken care of. Even though I was married in 2008, I would still only think of myself, and this is evident in the many poor decisions that I made. Out of selfishness, I would make decisions that still affect myself and my wife to this day. I was utterly self-consumed. Even in my giving I was selfish--hoping that God would give back to me, and bless me because I gave to others. Even in my moralistic lifestyle I loved only one, and that was myself.

I had become the hypocrite. I had become the Pharisee that I had read about so many times. I had become the one to which Jesus himself yelled,

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

I became this person--this evil, greedy, self-indulgent, blind, unclean hypocrite. In fact, I didn't just become this, I realized that I had always been this. I had read this (or heard it read) so many times, and  I always thought, "sucks to be them," but now I realize that virtually my entire life, I was them. I was truly blind.

I was blind and following a moralistic god. The moral code, or the law as the Bible calls it, was my god. It guided me, I followed it, and did my best to obey it. The thing about the law is it cannot save you. The law will not save you, it will only show you your sin.

The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me.Romans 7:10-11

So my fears of going to Hell as a child may have been well placed because my god was the law. I followed the law so that I may avoid Hell and find the true God. I was controlling my fate and my religion. I used the law to remove Hell, just as many may use denial to remove Hell. Even though the approaches are different, neither the law nor denial of the law's existence can save one from Hell.  

And then the good news…

One night I was in bed and trust me, I know it sounds weird and crazy, but God came to me. Through his Holy Spirit, God called me. He tugged and tugged at me, and said submit to Me. STOP trying to control it, STOP trying to earn it, STOP trying to be perfect, STOP thinking about you, STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP, and give it all to Me.

Give Me your life. Let Me have all of you, and I will show you the way. You don't know what you are doing. You are utterly incapable of doing this on your own. You have been trying for 25 years, and you are failing miserably. No matter what you try, no matter what you learn, no matter how many times you change the direction of your life, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET TO ME. Therefore, Zac, I am coming to you. Please give yourself to Me. Commit all you are to Me, and I will give you life.

This was the tugging. I knew what it was He was asking for. Somehow I always knew what He really wanted. I had to give it all to Him. I had to allow God to be the one and only Lord of my life. This sounds bizarre in this world we live in, but if we were under a kingship it would make perfect sense. One in need would throw themselves at the mercy of their king, and in doing so would commit their life to the king's service. The king, in his wisdom or lack of wisdom, would choose whether or not to show grace to his subject. This is what I needed to do. I needed to give up my pursuit. I needed to stop trying to be good enough. I needed to stop controlling, fighting, and willing my way into heaven. Because I just can't freaking make it on my own. I can't do it. I know I can't, and therefore:

I give my life to Christ. I am His, and now He is mine. I give up. I stop trying, and allow Him to save me. I throw myself on His mercy, and if He wants to spare me then He will, and He did.

That night I gave up. I stopped, and I allowed Christ to save me from myself. I allowed grace into my life, and I finally gained what I had been searching relentlessly for, for 25 years. 

After I allowed Christ to truly save me, after I had accepted His grace by giving my life to Him, God showed me how He did it. He revealed to me through the Holy Spirit how He saved my soul, and it is truly exciting because it is so much better than what I had thought and practiced for so many years. God has literally turned my life around, and now I seek Him. I thirst for Him. I understand what David meant when he said,

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.Psalm 63:1

I desire the Bible, and I desire to know God's Word. I cannot get enough, and I cannot learn too quickly. I feel like I have so much lost time to make up for, and all I want to do is declare my love for God. I want everyone to know of His gift, His grace, and His true love. I am truly a saved man. I was lost, but not anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to say that the misguidance of my youth is no one's fault--not my parents, not my church, not my leaders. This was, is, and will be my journey. This is God's plan for my life. I didn't choose it to be like this; no one chooses it to be like this; God predestined it to happen like this, and I am utterly gratefully He has. So do not feel remorse, instead praise God because He has finally revealed His truth to me.

My statements beg a few great questions. How then, are we saved? The short answer is by grace through faith. Do we not have to live according to the law because we now have grace? The short answer is no. I will try to answer these questions in my next blog post. Also, for the answers, read the Bible--Romans is a great place to start finding answers to these questions.